How Children Can Help Heal America

Having worked with children for many years, I can verify that young children do not notice or care about skin color, religion, cultural differences or disabilities. They are naturally humble, curious, and full of love. Young children forgive easily, usually find the good in all, and just want to have fun. Here are some characteristics that children naturally know:

WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM CHILDREN:

* Humans are more alike than different.

* Friends listen and help each other.

* It's easy to forgive and "let it go."

* There is joy in the journey.

* If I am a friend to others, I'll have friends.
   

CHILDREN POSSES THE FOLLOWING ATTRIBUTES:

C - CURIOSITY about the world around them - including different CULTURES. COURAGE brings rewards. CREATIVITY brings happiness.

H - HUMBLENESS. HUGS can HELP. 

I - INNOCENCE. INTEREST in everything. 

L - LOVE. LISTEN, LEARN. LAUGH.

D - DREAM. DO it. 

R - RESPECT others. READ. RIGHT will triumph. 

E - ESCAPE from technology - take a break and play outside. EXPLORE. EXPERIMENT. EXPERIENCE. EXPRESS yourself - kindly. 

N - NATURE - Enjoy the natural beauty in our world. NURTURE your relationships. NEVER give up.

Young children are nonjudgmental. We adults know that attitudes are learned - not inherited. My daughter, who has special needs, and I enjoy many of the same books. I was reading her book, 125 True Stories of Amazing Animals, when I noticed the photo below. If animals can rescue and even raise another species, then can't we have empathy and compassion for our own kind?

We are different but love the same.

I like this quote: "What I am suggesting and asking is that we turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good in the land and times in which we live, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism. Let our faith replace our fears." Gordon B. Hinkley: Cultivate a Attitude of Happiness and a Spirit of Optimism.

Related Topics:

• ARK - Acts of Random Kindness: Free Printables for Kids & Adults
• Stop Bullying - It Starts at Home
• Back to the Basics - Play Outside
  

We can find balance and joy in life.

"If we love, forgive and pray, we can work together." 

Dr. Alveda King (niece of Martin Luther King)

Looking for more ideas on how to teach and raise children? See Kindergarten: Tattle-Tales, Tools, Tactics, Triumphs and Tasty Treats for Teachers and Parents and to prepare your child for kindergarten: The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn. Both are bestsellers. The ebooks are only $3.99.

Stop Spanking! Prevention Solutions

Once again, I witnessed a parent yelling at their child at the store - then their anger escalating to a child being spanked. Believe me, spanking does not work. It may temporarily stop a child's behavior - but it leaves emotional scars, humiliation and anger.

The Pediatrics journal published a study that showed children who are spanked by their parents are at greater risk for later problems in both behavior and vocabulary. The Journal of Family Psychology published findings after 50 years of research was analyzed: "A new study on spanking, considered the most complete analysis to date on the topic, finds the more children are spanked, the more likely they are to defy their parents, exhibit anti-social behaviors and experience mental health and cognitive problems."



When adults spank children to get them to mind, too much has already gone wrong and the discipline has broken down. We know a big person should not hit a smaller person. Adults must set the example for good behavior. Therefore, you do not spit when you want a child to stop spitting, you do not yell when you want a child to stop yelling, and you do not hit when you want a child to stop hitting. Emotional scarring may result when a child is mistreated by an adult, whether verbally or physically.

Why Winning - and Losing - is So Important for Children

 
"Why does that kid have a blue ribbon? Mine's yellow. I want blue!"

"But you got a ribbon! You did great!" I answered.

"What's my ribbon for?"

"It's because you participated in a sport."

"Did I win?"

"No dear. But you participated."

"What's par-siss-y-tate?"

Of course, parents and teachers don't want any child to feel left out. And perhaps it is fine for all preschoolers and even kindergartners to get a ribbon or a trophy for participating. But what can children learn from losing - and from winning?

How to De-Stress Young Children while Traveling

Cooper muttered the words that frustrates every mother, "I'm bored." 

Megan sighed. She and her husband had saved for months for this special trip to unwind and build family bonds. She had packed lots of things for the children to do in the car.

Cooper hit his brother and they both started the high-pitched screaming that made Megan's skin hurt. She rolled her eyes at her husband when he gave her an exasperated look.

Megan wondered what she could do so her children would relax and enjoy their family vacation.

Megan's dilemma is not unusual. Children crave consistency, stability and routine. How can you help your children cope with the hustle and bustle of traveling? Here are some tips:

Caught Being Good

Do you want to raise a responsible well-behaved child? You can - by helping them develop good character traits. I still have parents thank me for giving them the idea to use a marble jar as a reward system. Our kindergarten classroom's jar was filled as the class received compliments from staff, parents, high school helpers, substitutes, i.e. anyone 16 or over.  It took about a month for the class to fill the jar. When it was full, my husband and daughter made cupcakes to celebrate. The children were so proud that they had earned those cupcakes, even though they only cost a few dollars to make. Other class rewards could be to let them vote on a short movie, take a long walk or play a new game outside, and extend center or recess time.

For preschoolers, or at home, use a smaller jar so that it can be filled in about a week's time. The children can also learn math as you count the marbles. They will have a visual hands-on reward system. Let them help decide the reward. Sometimes spending special one-on-one time is much more beneficial than spending money. I was humbled when my daughter's kinder teacher told me that her favorite thing to do was to play dollhouse with me - no money or transportation was necessary, just some playful one-on-one time expanding our imaginations and relaxing in pretend play.

BUILDING GOOD CHARACTER
Children need to learn good character traits in order to gain respect and trust from those around them. Then they will gain a sense of pride in their abilities boosting self- confidence. You can encourage character growth in your child by using, recognizing, requiring, and emphasizing the right attitudes, words, and actions. This is best done by example. Communicate realistic age-appropriate expectations and hold your child accountable to teach responsibility.

The following is quoted from  PlayDrMom's Readathon post: "Positive reinforcement works … and also helps foster independence, life skills, and self-esteem.  It focuses more on mutual respect than power-differentials. Punishing (such as time-outs and taking away privileges) works too and it is sometimes needed, but if positive behaviors are reinforced regularly there will be less of a need for the punishments … and in turn less power struggles.... Implementing positive behavior strategies in daily family life can not only help eliminate problematic behaviors, but can give children a sense of control and help decrease parental stress.  Verbal praise, simply talking about progress made, and showing the pride you have in your children can go a long way in helping your child’s character development. "  To read the full article, click Promoting Positive Parenting.

To read my series on Discipline, click Prevent Inappropriate Behavior

 

Sisters displaying good character traits while reading: Sharing, caring, good example

  The truth of the matter is that you always know
the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.”
~ H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Am. General

For a glimpse into Kindergarten see my book. Would you like inexpensive ideas, activities, and games to teach your child through play? Mommy with Selective Memory and I can help save your sanity, one project at a time, with The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn. Both have been number 1 bestsellers on Amazon and are helpful gifts for parents and teachers. Also available on Barnes & Noble and Kobo.

What ideas would you like to add?

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How to Build Self-Esteem in Young Children

Recently, Katie,  Mommy with Selective Memory, confided in me an incident which made her wonder if she was doing enough to boost her child self-esteem and confidence. Katie posted about how to Boost Self-Esteem by Displaying Art Work where she offers wonderful suggestions on displaying children’s art. But Katie was facing yet another child-rearing dilemma:

A MOM'S DILEMMA

We bought my daughter a beautiful yellow dress last weekend. It was really supposed to be for Easter, but she looked so pretty in it that I let her wear it all day. I must have complimented her about 100 times that day with things like:

"You look so pretty in yellow!"

"I love that color on you!"

"Do you know how pretty you are?"

And on and on and on. I was really just talking out loud, but every time I said something nice, she grinned and basked in the admiration. The next morning when she woke up, she wanted to wear the yellow dress again. I hesitated. She really shouldn't wear the same dress every day. Plus, I didn't want it to get dirty since I wanted to save it for Easter.

I told Munchkin that she could wear her pink dress instead. I was surprised when she immediately dissolved into frantic tears. I had never seen her so upset. She usually doesn't throw fits and this fit was clearly not for show; she was genuinely heartbroken. My first reaction was impatience. We needed to get to school and I needed to show her that she can’t have her way simply because she throws a fit. Fortunately though, I took a deep breath and sat down in front of Munchkin and made her look at me. I asked her calmly why she was so upset. It took about three minutes for her to stop crying and really answer my question.

"M-m-Mommy," she said with a quivering lip. "I don't look pretty in pink. I only look pretty in y-y-y yellow."

Ooops. Apparently all my compliments had the opposite effect than I had intended. Instead of boosting her self-esteem, I had unintentionally made her self-conscious about her looks. Visions of a unruly teenager with pink hair and a lip ring flashed through my mind.

I realized that I needed to do a better job at building her self-confidence in ways that have nothing to with how she looks. I asked Susan for advice.

Photo from The Butterfly Site

A TEACHER’S PERSPECTIVE

Katie is a very dedicated parent who wants to do everything possible to help her children learn through playful activities and to be the best that they can be. It is not easy being a parent, nor is it always easy being little. The following ideas will help build her children’s self-esteem and confidence - the metamorphosis of a child from a caterpillar into a butterfly.

WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR CHILD’S CONFIDENCE

1. Focus on your child’s strengths making them feel special, important, and wanted. Every day, give them compliments and hugs and tell them you love them. The most precious words will then be heard by you, “I wuuvv u, too.”
2. Focus fifteen minutes a day per child of interrupted one-on-one time. Great results may be seen with only fifteen minutes of uninterrupted concentration on a child. Then they may have the desire and confidence to play/work/learn on their own giving you some down time. Turn off the phone, or put it on silent, so that it won’t be disruptive to your child’s special time. Adults can usually wait awhile for your text or email responses.
3. Help your child develop problem-solving and decision-making skills. Let them get their own drink and snacks by putting them in reachable places so they can learn some independence skills. Common sense is needed but children are capable of accomplishing many tasks with encouragement, patience, and praise. Talk about solutions to problems. If you don’t know the answer to one of their numerous questions, tell them: “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”
4. Stay positive with your child. Don’t compare them to others. Every child is different with their own strengths and personality. Focus on what they can do and provide challenges and opportunities that are appropriate for their level of development. Your child’s sense of value is directly related to how you treat them and respond to their accomplishments. Family members are the most important people in the world to little ones.
5. Provide choices such as, “Would you like to wear the green shirt or the yellow shirt?” If you are staying home, let them choose what to wear, or make as many choices as is reasonable. In Katie’s case, perhaps telling Munchkin many times that she looks beautiful in any color will solve the dress problem. Children do not care about labels in clothes, they just want to be comfortable, have fun, and feel good about themselves. Perhaps Katie could buy some inexpensive dresses in different colors at a thrift shop and put back the Easter dress for that special day. What little girl doesn’t like to dress up in mom’s old dresses, shoes and hats? Throw in a boa, old purse, and tea set and I bet Munchkin will feel beautiful and special for many hours of imaginative, creative  play.
6. Provide opportunities for your child to help and praise them. Use a sticker chart or draw happy faces on the calendar when your child has wonderful behavior or learns something new. Treat them to something special when the stickers or happy faces have accumulated to a pre-determined number. The best rewards cost little—except your time. Counting the stickers will reinforce math also. Or fill up a Marble Jar.
7. Help your child make a book, box or sack titled I Like Me! Include their letter scribbles, drawings, and photos. Print their words on the front or back showing that letters have meaning. Writing the date will help you realize how fast they are learning and developing. Re-reading their book will build confidence, vocabulary and the desire to create more art while they learn in the process Read the notes and book on days when you wonder: Who's child is this? What was I thinking? 

BOOKS TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM
P. K. Hallinan is the author of 89 children’s books which have sold over 8,000,000 copies worldwide. They are beautifully illustrated and rhyme - which enhances reading skills. New and used copies of his books can be found on Amazon.

• How Do I Love You?  The lyrical meter and simple rhyme in this book are especially suitable for the toddler age. And the message is simple: Mom or Dad loves the child - no matter what.
• I Know Who I Am: Takes an insightful look at how self-worth is nurtured and what children can do to feel good about themselves
• I Know I Belong: Presents children with thoughtful examples of how to think about where they fit in their family and the bigger world.

BUCKET BOOKS

Have You Filled a Bucket Today? By Carol McCloud

Fill a Bucket: A Guide to Daily Happiness for the Young Child by Cathy Martin 
Growing Up with a Bucket Full of Happiness by Carol McCloud 
How Full is Your Bucket? For Kids by Tom Rath

What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Help prepare your child for Kindergarten with Kindergarten: Tattle-Tales, Tools, Tactics, Triumphs and Tasty Treats for Teachers and Parents. Let Mommy with Selective Memory and me help you have more free time while teaching your child through playful activities with The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn. Also available on Barnes & Noble and Kobo. The ebooks are only $3.99.

Let Children Experience Childhood.

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Consequences: The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly: 4th in Series

LET CHILDREN EXPERIENCE THE EFFECTS OF THEIR ACTIONS

Every action causes a reaction. Use praise and positive reinforcement when good behavior occurs and this will shape desired behavior. Take away privileges when inappropriate or disruptive behavior occurs and fewer unwanted episodes will occur. Withdrawing privileges is a behavior shaper where you will always have plenty of options. Losing privileges will work if it is part of a pre-agreed behavior management strategy. In other words, make the rules and state the consequences before episodes occur.

If we shelter children from consequences and distort true cause and effect, children rarely become accountable. Instead, they become confused and go through life blaming someone else for their misfortune and “bad luck.” Enforced consequences motivate children to develop self-control. Learning self control, and how to interact respectfully with others, supports children’s self esteem and benefits society in general.

CONSEQUENCES

Consequences do not need to be dehumanizing, demeaning, humiliating, or full of nagging and scolding. Remain calm and remember you are the role model and example of good behavior. Three questions to ask when delivering a consequence are:

• Is it justified?
• Is it respectful?
• Is it reasonable?

Kindergarten teachers may have more than twenty 5 and 6 year olds in the room. They have a responsibility to teach. A disruptive child interrupts the learning of well-behaved children. It may be necessary to put a misbehaving child away from other children. Usually, after a short time, the child will let you know that he/she wants to rejoin the group. A bean bag or large pillow can work wonders. Some wise teachers have a large pillow in a quiet corner where a child knows they can take out their frustrations—or perhaps take a much needed nap.

Sometimes misbehavior occurs during special areas when a student is with another teacher. If recess time is to be taken away, time out should ideally be one minute for each year of the child’s age. Be sure the child understands why he/she is in time out since the occurrence of the inappropriate behavior was earlier in the day. I don’t think it is a good idea to take away the entire recess time because children need physical exercise to release stress and frustration. Always send a note home explaining the behavior and the consequence. If extreme misbehavior has occurred, a trip to the office may be warranted. Be sure and document in case the child might qualify for school counseling or for special education testing. Send notes home requiring a signature and place them in the child’s folder.

Teachers: Be prepared. When children arrive at school, they should know they will find affectionate care, reasonable order, security, and an interesting day—qualities that help children be good and develop self-control. Children need time to be creative, express themselves in play, and learn social skills. They need physical exertion to release stress and to relax.

Through their play and storytelling, children make sense of the world and
learn the most important rules of living in a democratic society — 
how to listen to one another and treat one another with
fairness and kindness.  ~Vivian Paley

Exercising releases stress and builds strong bodies and minds.

Parents: It is important to support a teacher in reasonable discipline. Consistency; established routines and rules; and stability at home will reinforce good behavior and increase a child’s sense of security and self-esteem. Be a good role model and show a child how to act. They will imitate you because they live with you and they love you. Parenting is a huge responsibility but it becomes easier the more you establish love, trust, and stability. Enjoy your children. They look up to you.

While other institutions, such as church and school, can assist parents to 

“train up a child in the way he should go”  - ultimately this
responsibility rests with parents.  ~  L. Tom Perry

Series of Discipline Posts

1. Discipline: Combat Duty or Common Sense Tactics?

2. Prevent Inappropriate Behavior

3. Poor Behavior: What to Do

5. Tips for Enforcing Consequences

6. Caught Being Good

 

For more tips, see my books Kindergarten: Tattle-Tales, Tools, Tactics, Triumphs and Tasty Treats for Teachers and Parents and The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn both have been number 1 bestsellers on Amazon. Also available on Barnes & Noble and Kobo.

What kind of discipline techniques have worked for you?

 

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Poor Behavior: What To Do: 3rd in Series

We’ve all witnessed a child throwing a temper tantrum: screaming, hitting, biting, trying to escape under a table, or sobbing uncontrollably because they did not get their way. They are angry and frustrated. As their anger increases, it becomes more difficult for an adult to remain in control. But the adult must remember that this is a young child who does not have the life experiences and learning that have hopefully been acquired before giving birth or becoming a teacher.

What to Do about Hitting, Kicking, Scratching, Biting, Temper Tantrums

The adult must state the rules—which should already have been established. “I cannot let you hit or hurt others.” Kneel down and talk to the child directly while looking into their eyes, holding the child if necessary. Do not waste your breath talking, scolding, or explaining when children are not really listening. Lead the child to an appropriate setting or behavior. If your child throws a temper tantrum in a store, lead them out of the store or hold them until they gain control. If you are a teacher, stay nearby and remain firm: No hurting is allowed. 

Use your arms to hold the child. Children will benefit by your control and by your understanding, will finish the outbreak, and will be all right. The child will remember that you are not the enemy and that you have ways to help them establish self-control. When you hold, rather than hit, you are protecting as well as controlling a child. 

Try and understand why the child is behaving inappropriately as you settle them down. Are they tired, hungry, scared, excited, had too much sugar, or experiencing instability at home? When they are ready to listen, speak to the child kindly, but with authority and direction about how they should behave. 

Demonstrate how to behave. You have to show children how to act, not how not to act. Keep your emotions under control. Here are some ways:

• Take a deep breath, hold it, then let it out. Repeat this several times as your body relaxes. If you are in a classroom, tell all the children to “Breathe in… Hold it… Let it go.”
• Say a mantra inside your head: “I’m the adult. I’m the role model. I’m in control.”
• Focus on staying in control and on being an example of good behavior.
• Count to ten. This saying has been around a long time. It must work.
• Think about why the child is acting this way. If you don’t know, try and find out when the episode has subsided. Knowing the reason may give you those extra seconds of patience that is needed before you lose it too.

Do not slap or spank a child: When adults hit children to get them to mind, too much has already gone wrong and the discipline has broken down. We know a big person should not hit a smaller person. Adults must set the example for good behavior. Therefore, do not spit when you want a child to stop spitting; do not yell when you want a child to stop yelling; and do not hit when you want a child to stop hitting. Years of emotional scarring and damage can result when a child is mistreated by an adult.

I have seen children get off the school bus with suckers and sugar sticks in their mouths, bragging that this is their breakfast. I've had numerous children tell me they are hungry when they have just arrived in the classroom. After mentioning to parents that their child is coming to school hungry, I have had the them tell me that the child does not want breakfast because they are too tired to eat, or they are too rushed to get to school.

It is important to keep communicating to the parents that children need a healthy breakfast and a good night’s sleep for a productive school day. Ideally, kindergartners should be in bed before 8:00 with a parent reading a book to them. Communicate to parents with telephone calls, emails, newsletters, notes home in backpack that need a signature, and parent/teacher conferences. Remember to document poor behavior in case the child does not “mature” out of it.

Young children are impulsive and learn self-control as they mature. We must lead children to learn inner control for their happiness and so that they will become responsible, productive, happy members of our society. Everyone is ultimately responsible for their behavior. Remember to lavishly praise a child for good behavior.

You might be interested in my other posts in this Discipline Series:

1. Discipline: Combat Duty or Common Sense Tactics?

2. Prevent Inappropriate Behavior
4.Consequences: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

5.Tips for Enforcing Consequences
 

“A child needs your love more, when he
deserves it least.” ~ Erma Bombeck

For more tips, see my books KINDERGARTEN: Tattle-Tales, Tools, Tactics, Triumphs and Tasty Treats for Teachers and Parents  and  The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn.