How to Build Self-Esteem in Young Children

Recently, Katie,  Mommy with Selective Memory, confided in me an incident which made her wonder if she was doing enough to boost her child self-esteem and confidence. Katie posted about how to Boost Self-Esteem by Displaying Art Work where she offers wonderful suggestions on displaying children’s art. But Katie was facing yet another child-rearing dilemma:

A MOM'S DILEMMA

We bought my daughter a beautiful yellow dress last weekend. It was really supposed to be for Easter, but she looked so pretty in it that I let her wear it all day. I must have complimented her about 100 times that day with things like:

"You look so pretty in yellow!"

"I love that color on you!"

"Do you know how pretty you are?"

And on and on and on. I was really just talking out loud, but every time I said something nice, she grinned and basked in the admiration. The next morning when she woke up, she wanted to wear the yellow dress again. I hesitated. She really shouldn't wear the same dress every day. Plus, I didn't want it to get dirty since I wanted to save it for Easter.

I told Munchkin that she could wear her pink dress instead. I was surprised when she immediately dissolved into frantic tears. I had never seen her so upset. She usually doesn't throw fits and this fit was clearly not for show; she was genuinely heartbroken. My first reaction was impatience. We needed to get to school and I needed to show her that she can’t have her way simply because she throws a fit. Fortunately though, I took a deep breath and sat down in front of Munchkin and made her look at me. I asked her calmly why she was so upset. It took about three minutes for her to stop crying and really answer my question.

"M-m-Mommy," she said with a quivering lip. "I don't look pretty in pink. I only look pretty in y-y-y yellow."

Ooops. Apparently all my compliments had the opposite effect than I had intended. Instead of boosting her self-esteem, I had unintentionally made her self-conscious about her looks. Visions of a unruly teenager with pink hair and a lip ring flashed through my mind.

I realized that I needed to do a better job at building her self-confidence in ways that have nothing to with how she looks. I asked Susan for advice.

Photo from The Butterfly Site

A TEACHER’S PERSPECTIVE

Katie is a very dedicated parent who wants to do everything possible to help her children learn through playful activities and to be the best that they can be. It is not easy being a parent, nor is it always easy being little. The following ideas will help build her children’s self-esteem and confidence - the metamorphosis of a child from a caterpillar into a butterfly.

WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR CHILD’S CONFIDENCE

1. Focus on your child’s strengths making them feel special, important, and wanted. Every day, give them compliments and hugs and tell them you love them. The most precious words will then be heard by you, “I wuuvv u, too.”
2. Focus fifteen minutes a day per child of interrupted one-on-one time. Great results may be seen with only fifteen minutes of uninterrupted concentration on a child. Then they may have the desire and confidence to play/work/learn on their own giving you some down time. Turn off the phone, or put it on silent, so that it won’t be disruptive to your child’s special time. Adults can usually wait awhile for your text or email responses.
3. Help your child develop problem-solving and decision-making skills. Let them get their own drink and snacks by putting them in reachable places so they can learn some independence skills. Common sense is needed but children are capable of accomplishing many tasks with encouragement, patience, and praise. Talk about solutions to problems. If you don’t know the answer to one of their numerous questions, tell them: “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”
4. Stay positive with your child. Don’t compare them to others. Every child is different with their own strengths and personality. Focus on what they can do and provide challenges and opportunities that are appropriate for their level of development. Your child’s sense of value is directly related to how you treat them and respond to their accomplishments. Family members are the most important people in the world to little ones.
5. Provide choices such as, “Would you like to wear the green shirt or the yellow shirt?” If you are staying home, let them choose what to wear, or make as many choices as is reasonable. In Katie’s case, perhaps telling Munchkin many times that she looks beautiful in any color will solve the dress problem. Children do not care about labels in clothes, they just want to be comfortable, have fun, and feel good about themselves. Perhaps Katie could buy some inexpensive dresses in different colors at a thrift shop and put back the Easter dress for that special day. What little girl doesn’t like to dress up in mom’s old dresses, shoes and hats? Throw in a boa, old purse, and tea set and I bet Munchkin will feel beautiful and special for many hours of imaginative, creative  play.
6. Provide opportunities for your child to help and praise them. Use a sticker chart or draw happy faces on the calendar when your child has wonderful behavior or learns something new. Treat them to something special when the stickers or happy faces have accumulated to a pre-determined number. The best rewards cost little—except your time. Counting the stickers will reinforce math also. Or fill up a Marble Jar.
7. Help your child make a book, box or sack titled I Like Me! Include their letter scribbles, drawings, and photos. Print their words on the front or back showing that letters have meaning. Writing the date will help you realize how fast they are learning and developing. Re-reading their book will build confidence, vocabulary and the desire to create more art while they learn in the process Read the notes and book on days when you wonder: Who's child is this? What was I thinking? 

BOOKS TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM
P. K. Hallinan is the author of 89 children’s books which have sold over 8,000,000 copies worldwide. They are beautifully illustrated and rhyme - which enhances reading skills. New and used copies of his books can be found on Amazon.

• How Do I Love You?  The lyrical meter and simple rhyme in this book are especially suitable for the toddler age. And the message is simple: Mom or Dad loves the child - no matter what.
• I Know Who I Am: Takes an insightful look at how self-worth is nurtured and what children can do to feel good about themselves
• I Know I Belong: Presents children with thoughtful examples of how to think about where they fit in their family and the bigger world.

BUCKET BOOKS

Have You Filled a Bucket Today? By Carol McCloud

Fill a Bucket: A Guide to Daily Happiness for the Young Child by Cathy Martin 
Growing Up with a Bucket Full of Happiness by Carol McCloud 
How Full is Your Bucket? For Kids by Tom Rath

What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Help prepare your child for Kindergarten with Kindergarten: Tattle-Tales, Tools, Tactics, Triumphs and Tasty Treats for Teachers and Parents. Let Mommy with Selective Memory and me help you have more free time while teaching your child through playful activities with The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn. Also available on Barnes & Noble and Kobo. The ebooks are only $3.99.

Let Children Experience Childhood.

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